Some thoughts
Since I started writing here my dreams have been responding with more meaning and reason, apparently. Unfortunately, could not catch up with them.
But the word ‘unfortunately’ above is premature, although the dreams have been deep, I intended a lot more of my excess baggage with them, writing things as I want them to be, not as they are.
Let me try and be more non-judgemental here onwards.
Dig Deeper
Again, the main message hidden in the subtext of a larger, gibberish dream. Have been overworking at office, dreamt about that too, was with some colleagues, not too sure what I was doing but probably was discussing work.
Now I am climbing the stairs of a familiar place, my old-old apartment building (the last to last, where I grew up). But when I reach the floor where I used to live, I am confused about whether I wanted to come here or to my last home. I am even more confused when the door of this place has elements of both, this home and the home I lived last. Fear. Some unexplained fear and anxiety. I ring the bell. Again notice the door, it’s familiar-and-yet-not-familiar-in-this-form design frightens me and I run back downstairs..
Since past few months I have been dwelling into the past, trying to find out how did I land up here, how come I am how I am and explanations for my deeds. Am I afraid to go further down and explore the real me? It seems I should explore the times spent when I was in the first house (why is ‘home’ hard to come for this?).
Kitty Bye
The real messages are often hidden within bigger dreams. I dreamt that me and her were in my car with me driving. That is where some of the closest conversations between us have occurred. And then..
I come upon a tiny little kitten, a very cute one – despite all my love for cats I cannot pick one up ever, something in me stops me from it – but I pick this one up. She is so adorable and sweet. In her cuteness she tries to scratch me, but it does not hurt at all, only makes me love her more. I really love this kitty. Very shortly, the time comes to continue (with what?). I hesitate a bit, but then let her down. Despite how much ever I like her, it would be best for her (and me?) that I let her go now(now?). And I do let her go, and suddenly there appear two more cats to whom she goes.
There is no doubt that the kitten was her. She left the city today.
When I met her today, it felt so right to be with her. We “connect”. When the parting hug came, it flurried up all the emotions back once again. She did not leave my mind for hours together. I wanted to tell her I WILL MISS YOU, called her again and she was on her way to airport, but I was just too tongue-tied, the kind like I last remember when I was a teenager.
My heart pains as it slowly sinks in. I have now given up thinking, analyzing why we are not together. Perhaps, like it seems on optimistic days, for the best, or perhaps -like it feels every other day- not.
I see the dream as a preparation, or a ‘message’ for the believer in me, for her to go today. I really hope, kitten, that this is a coma, not a full stop.
For one day, she and my wife will be in the same city.
you are a miracle but that is not all
you are also a stiff drink and i am on call
you are a party and i am a school night
and i’m lookin’ for my door key
but you are my porch light
and you’ll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you’ll probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths
-Ani DiFranco, from the song “School Night”
