On Dreams and Other Things

The real messages are often hidden within bigger dreams. I dreamt that me and her were in my car with me driving. That is where some of the closest conversations between us have occurred. And then..

I come upon a tiny little kitten, a very cute one – despite all my love for cats I cannot pick one up ever, something in me stops me from it – but I pick this one up. She is so adorable and sweet. In her cuteness she tries to scratch me, but it does not hurt at all, only makes me love her more. I really love this kitty. Very shortly, the time comes to continue (with what?). I hesitate a bit, but then let her down. Despite how much ever I like her, it would be best for her (and me?) that I let her go now(now?). And I do let her go, and suddenly there appear two more cats to whom she goes.

There is no doubt that the kitten was her. She left the city today.

When I met her today, it felt so right to be with her. We “connect”. When the parting hug came, it flurried up all the emotions back once again. She did not leave my mind for hours together. I wanted to tell her I WILL MISS YOU, called her again and she was on her way to airport, but I was just too tongue-tied, the kind like I last remember when I was a teenager.

My heart pains as it slowly sinks in. I have now given up thinking, analyzing why we are not together. Perhaps, like it seems on optimistic days, for the best, or perhaps -like it feels every other day- not.

I see the dream as a preparation, or a ‘message’ for the believer in me, for her to go today. I really hope, kitten, that this is a coma, not a full stop.

For one day, she and my wife will be in the same city.

you are a miracle but that is not all
you are also a stiff drink and i am on call
you are a party and i am a school night
and i’m lookin’ for my door key
but you are my porch light

and you’ll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you’ll probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths

-Ani DiFranco, from the song “School Night”