Lost years
I do not remember the dream itself but this sentence woke me up, the context was as if it was a word of advice:
Do not push yourself there. There will be no recuperation without cost and nothing would make up for all the lost years.
Questions
Among a train of compulsive dreams today morning the last one has got me thinking my character, my integrity again.
I have failed my exams equivalent to high school. It was the subject Hindi, me or someone else on my behalf protests to the exams committee. I/we get a chance to talk to the examiner.
We are at his home, me and another girl (a girl with angel-like features). The examiner, an un-understandable hindi guy with some sense of authority, tells me to look at my paper and find out descrepencies. I find out lot of problems overall and start with problems in English stuff written in Hindi paper where I deserved marks but did not get any.
When I point this out, the examiner starts to act funny, and boom.. things turn animated, literally as in a cartoon. The examiner turns into a sort of a monster, he seems to have his sights on the angel girl with me, who becomes even more angelic in the animation and I begin to transform, there is ‘Ghostbusters’ music playing around me, I imagine I will transform into one of the four heros. I slowly transform.. into Slimer. I am simply afraid of the monster and try to take cover behind the angel.
Then a voiceover, thank god there was a passing policeman on routine patrol that day that the two were saved.
Am I fooling myself in saying I took the high road while all I did was act on cowardly instincts? Perhaps not cowardly, lonely.
Confession
This one is for Kitty
I am sorry if I have wronged you, I am bound by my duties.
Two days back I dreamt of you. We were walking down some street, it was a mix of Hong Kong and our old office street. We were close. We felt close. We were looking for the right place and right tattoo for you. And we kiss. A small, expressive kiss. Then you made a gesture, reminding me. I pause, then shrug, and then kiss you once more. Then we find the tattoo place. It was hazy then, did I leave you there, did I wait for you outside? Was I there by your side?
Let me be truthful to myself, if not anyone else. I love you. I feel pathetic telling this, but thats the truth.
Bound by habits, the interpretation: Hong Kong: our first secret. Tattoo: You. The uncertainty: present.
Dig Deeper
Again, the main message hidden in the subtext of a larger, gibberish dream. Have been overworking at office, dreamt about that too, was with some colleagues, not too sure what I was doing but probably was discussing work.
Now I am climbing the stairs of a familiar place, my old-old apartment building (the last to last, where I grew up). But when I reach the floor where I used to live, I am confused about whether I wanted to come here or to my last home. I am even more confused when the door of this place has elements of both, this home and the home I lived last. Fear. Some unexplained fear and anxiety. I ring the bell. Again notice the door, it’s familiar-and-yet-not-familiar-in-this-form design frightens me and I run back downstairs..
Since past few months I have been dwelling into the past, trying to find out how did I land up here, how come I am how I am and explanations for my deeds. Am I afraid to go further down and explore the real me? It seems I should explore the times spent when I was in the first house (why is ‘home’ hard to come for this?).
Kitty Bye
The real messages are often hidden within bigger dreams. I dreamt that me and her were in my car with me driving. That is where some of the closest conversations between us have occurred. And then..
I come upon a tiny little kitten, a very cute one – despite all my love for cats I cannot pick one up ever, something in me stops me from it – but I pick this one up. She is so adorable and sweet. In her cuteness she tries to scratch me, but it does not hurt at all, only makes me love her more. I really love this kitty. Very shortly, the time comes to continue (with what?). I hesitate a bit, but then let her down. Despite how much ever I like her, it would be best for her (and me?) that I let her go now(now?). And I do let her go, and suddenly there appear two more cats to whom she goes.
There is no doubt that the kitten was her. She left the city today.
When I met her today, it felt so right to be with her. We “connect”. When the parting hug came, it flurried up all the emotions back once again. She did not leave my mind for hours together. I wanted to tell her I WILL MISS YOU, called her again and she was on her way to airport, but I was just too tongue-tied, the kind like I last remember when I was a teenager.
My heart pains as it slowly sinks in. I have now given up thinking, analyzing why we are not together. Perhaps, like it seems on optimistic days, for the best, or perhaps -like it feels every other day- not.
I see the dream as a preparation, or a ‘message’ for the believer in me, for her to go today. I really hope, kitten, that this is a coma, not a full stop.
For one day, she and my wife will be in the same city.
you are a miracle but that is not all
you are also a stiff drink and i am on call
you are a party and i am a school night
and i’m lookin’ for my door key
but you are my porch light
and you’ll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you’ll probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths
-Ani DiFranco, from the song “School Night”
